Nuclear War! On The Dance Floor!

I've been stuck in this rut for awhile now. I feel like I'm digging my own grave. All I want in this entire amazing world is to FEEL something special. To feel... madly in love. I've had that feeling before... I know what It feels like... I took it for granted. I was a kid then... forgivable by others. Not by myself. Looking through old words, old love, old lives. If I had known then... what I know now... everything would all be different. But isn't that the way it always is?  I'm so close to my goal... so close... but with no reciprocation. I guess 50% is only halfway there. I've got a long journey ahead of me if I'm to pursue this path... and I'm not sure that it goes anywhere at all.

Prod and Poke and try to fish out some sort of emotion from cold hands, cold eyes. Rare occasions, fiery glances, hormonal imbalances. I can't find a reason. For any of this. Skin on Skin is the only link left breathing. Even that is suffocating under this blanket of a lie. I've seen beautiful things come from that heart. Those things were not for me. Those emotions are stored back for someone undeserving. Someone who would claim them only to further their own agenda. Toss them aside after use. Like trash.

I see these people around me... and I see beneath their thin and fragile skin. Insecurities, doubts, regrets... all absolved by this one momentous emotion. So far from my reach. Like being in a museum. Look. Don't touch. This is not for you. This is for all those who would never appreciate or care for one another. Dead-Eyes only.

I wonder If I will become one of those Dead-Eyed among the masses. The last kindling of life flickering in the back of an eye socket, awaiting a breeze to snuff it out.  What will become of me? Will I become the emotionless existence that I have fought so hard to avoid? I could never. There is too much passion... too much love... inside of my heart. Waiting for someone. Someone who will accept it. Arms open. No fears, no doubts, no regrets, no secrets. Open wide to the world. Let them peer inside and envy. Let me shine for once in my life.




I could be so much more than this. But I'm only halfway there... and theres no one waiting at the end. Not yet.

I like your eating noise.

SHIT! Should we have put the ice cream in the freezer?!

This is gonna be the coolest list ever.

Dude, that's what you said last time.

FANNY PACK! MY FANNY PACK IS COOL!

Arrchhhharrr, I guess?

Write that down!

I did!

Oh...

Fanny packs make the world cool. I want a nerd boy with a giant fanny pack. Nick is gonna cut a hole in the inside of the fanny pack, put his penus inside the

HAHAHAH I SPELLED PENIS WITH A U!

so hes gonna put his penis in the fanny pack so that someone had to open.... the zipper.. to get to it.

Hhahaha his penis IS the fanny pack.


[00:19] PrincessXXTravis: hahah darla is fucking hulkin out over this ice cream
[00:19] Friend of mine: lolol
[00:19] PrincessXXTravis: no shes going nuts
[00:19] friend: sweet, get her on video doing a hulk hogan style promo
[00:19] : do it
[00:19]  seriously
[00:19]  lol
[00:19] PrincessXXTravis: shes rejoicing coz she has great joy
[00:20] PrincessXXTravis: she goes "look at the ice cream! i found the buttefinger in it! i dug through it like a cavity!
[00:20] friend: LOL

memory lane.


help wanted. its a book! we're gonna write it! This might even be in it!
What's A SHAM WOW?

if i hadnt gotten high i wouldnt have realized that quote in my head was from CHEESE. thats like... a fuckin epiphany, dude.

"We've never had a black president?!" WAT? Manduh I'm ashamed of you. lol

Seratonin... I think I'mma go lay down... because... you know.... that we will lay in bed for four hours and talk about bullshit. lol

DID YOU EAT ALL THE PEPPERONI, DAMN YOU?!


i want more pepperoni...


Dude... you wanna smoke some more? - no... i cant believe he left us that much... i think i'm good - we havent had much... - "oh yeah well i guess i WAS thinking we should smoke a little more so we can sleep, you know... sleep." - LULZ

\
im too high to remember to breathe.



and i wanna get higher.


Garden Grove!


Ew you just coughed all over me. darla is choking....


WHAT ARE YOU CHOKING ON?!

air!


...darla just puked on me.




goodnight,.
 

Plans:

× Move back home next week. (Room mates having personal problems.)

× Help my mom out more. (She took care of me all this time. It's my turn to take care of her.)

× Appreciate my boyfriend more. (God knows he deserves it. He's Amazing. Must stop here or happy-rant will follow)

× Purchase a Gym Membership for AJ and myself as soon as possible. (Get in shape/Feel better about myself)

× Eat better. (-No more fast food- Will be much easier at Mom's where I can do the Grocery shopping for myself, unlike here.)

× Stop smoking cigarettes. (AJ's Idea. He figures if we are going to get in shape, we should go all the way.... wish me luck)

× Look for a new/better paying job. (Love my job... hate my pay. I can't live on what I make.)

× Save money to get license and a car. (Semi-long-term goal. Will take a few months)

× Go back to school. (Hopefully by next Fall.///Reagents required: License, Car.)

× Read more. (There is nothing wrong with being intelligent. Stop pushing it off.)

× Write WAY more. (I have seriously slacked on my creativity.)

× Spend more time with my friends. (They always make me happy.)


I'm sick of the things I do when I'm nervous
Like cleaning the oven or checking my tires
Or counting the number of tiles in the ceiling..
Head for the hills, the kitchen's on fire!

I used to rely on self-medication,
I guess I still do that from time to time.
But I'm getting better at fighting the future,
"Someday you'll be fine.."
Yes, I'll be just fine.

Tell me that you're alright,
Yeah everything is alright.
Oh please tell me that you're alright,
Yeah everything is alright.



<3 Travi.

Hello there, Livejournal. I'm in a writing mood. But not pen writing. Typing. Deal with it. I'm upset and you're going to read about it because everyone loves reading about everyone else's sorrow. (How else would we cope with our own dreadful lives?)


I have got to do something. Something drastic. Something has to change. It has to change soon. Now would be nice... but I don't see that happening. I suppose there is a little change incoming. I'm moving back home here soon. Admitting defeat -again-. Awesome, I know. At least I'll be able to save money and get my license... and then eventually go back to school. Things are changing slowly.... very slowly... like at a crippled snail's pace. I want FAST FAST FAST! Instant gratification, fuckers. I need something exciting. I need something new. I need a change of scenery. I feel so dead inside my mind all of the time. I try so hard to be so outwardly excitable and happy. It's such a weight on me, though. My creativity has been drained to nothing more than a slow dribble. I feel like I'm missing out on so much in this crazy world. This town just... it sucks everyone dry. I want to go meet new people. I want to go on a road trip. I want to LAUGH. I don't mean I want to giggle... I don't want to chuckle... I want to LAUGH. Balls to the wall, tears flowing, stomach aching, uncontrollable laughter. I remember I used to laugh like that a lot. I'm not sure where things started going wrong. I don't see Darla near enough. I don't see JnK near enough. I love the time I spend with AJ... but even the nerdiest of girls needs an evening out of the house sometimes. I love WoW, I love playing... and I especially love playing with AJ here with me. But I just... I want to go out and do things together. I want to feel like a couple instead of friends that play video games and occasionally fuck. I want to feel love. I know he loves me... but I want to feel it. I want... affection. I crave affection from him. Maybe I've just been spoiled with attention in the past. But I don't care. I need some. I need some good conversation. I need to feel useful. I need to feel like I'm moving somewhere in my life. I feel like I'm running in place.

I tried so hard to make today a good day. I tried SO HARD. I woke up early. Instead of being mad that I couldnt sleep past 9... I took that extra time in my day and spent a couple hours just laying on my bed playing with Arwen and Onyxia. I watched them wrestle and play and they cuddled with me and the day was looking so super. I got done... I went... made a STEAMING hot bath... made a bathtime playlist... put in my bubbly soap that makes my skin SO soft...  and I spent a good HOUR in the tub. I scrubbed, i shaved my legs (well... everything actually.. but saying I shaved my legs means I was trying because i never do that)... I washed my hair twice... I just relaxed and let my skin soak. I let the hot water and the yummy smelling bubbles soothe me. I felt so good. I got out. I lotioned my WHOLE body to make sure I'd be SUPER soft. I painted my nails, my toenails, I took the time to carefully do my make up and make my hair perfectly straight and brushed. I made myself adorable. All for what? For nothing. Aj was supposed to come over.... but he's sick. -again-. Don't take that wrong. I'm not super bitch. I'm not mad. Just let down. Not by him. By the world. I tried so hard to make today good... and all the preparation in the world couldn't save today. It's a terrible tragedy to waste such a nice day. But what can I do? -Nothing.- So here I sit... ranting. Tomorrow I will start packing... and I'll probably move next week. Joy. Hopefully things will get better after that. I can only hope.


-Travi.

Big Ol' update behind the cut. :]

( [[Oooh Click it, faggot!]] )

<3 Travvy

I'm increasingly anxious lately. I've got a bad case of Cabin Fever and an even worse case of Under-Joyed. This will all be fixed near the end of the month... with my favorite Larebear coming home. I can't wait. Everything will be soooo much better then. But until that point... I'm stuck here bitching and whining.

I've been on a crazy Postal Service binge today. This one verse has been going through my head all day... because the weather is so nice.

"Again last night I had that strange dream... where everything was exactly how it seemed. No concerns about the world getting warmer. People thought that they were just being rewarded for treating others as they'd like to be treated, for obeying stop signs and curing diseases, for mailing letters with the address of the sender. Now we can swim any day in November."

The weather is neeeeeeeeeeever this nice so late in the year. I appreciate it so much, being someone that -hates- cold. I just wish the world could really feel that way about things. It would make this life so much easier to live. Global warming, my ass. I'm gonna side with TPS on this one.

So today is election day. I didn't vote. There is no way I could condone either of these people running the country. Granted, I think I would rather see Obama win... but I don't think either of the candidates is properly capable of turning this country around the way it needs to be. We are slowly heading fora  depression and I am slowly heading towards Canada. /sigh. I hate the cold... but I hate our government more. Selfish bastards.

I'm really fleety and blabby today. I can't really keep myself on one subject for long. I'm sure you've noticed. I've just got so much weighing on me. My shoulders feel like they are going to break under all of this. I'm manic as fuck the past couple weeks. I go happy/wonky/pissed/depressed/wonky/wonky/happy/alright/excited/depressed/etc... It's madness. Things will settle down at the the end of the month... I just know that is when everything will be okay. It's a gut feeling. We'll just see.


Well... hmmph...I'm going to -stop- being fleety and blabby... and go do something. <3

I really just wanted to talk to someone... but no one is really available at the moment. I suppose thats all just as well, I hate QQing at people anyway.

I've had so much on my mind lately. /sigh. It's mostly been pretty good. Life, I mean. Good enough, at least, to ward off these bouts of "what if" and the plagues of selfishness. But sometimes I just start thinking about what is -really- going on and it gets me so down. I mean... I guess I understand the reasoning behind all of this secrecy... but it's going to have to come out one day.... isn't it? It can't possibly stay this way for the duration. (I'm sure that would certainly have adverse effects on the duration itself.) I just don't like to feel like such a shameful thing. I'm not ashamed of what I am. I'm not ashamed of who I am. My personal decisions are mine and mine alone. Those around me are free to give me advice and feed back... but I don't have to take it. They have no right to express force or make me feel like less than I am. I don't care what those around me say. Why do some people? Why does the opinion of someone outside of a situation always weigh so heavily on those actually involved? I am trying to build my life here... yet I cannot fully express my emotions. I don't like to be censored. I don't like to be hidden. I certainly -do not- like when people lie about their where-abouts to people on the phone when they are with me. That was such a painful moment. It stung like ice. I knew it would happen... I knew it would come... but I didn't expect such a sharp snap in my mind. I've been through this all before and I'll be okay... I just need a place to express how I feel without offending people.

I understand the family aspect of this. If they were to know we were together, he could possibly lose his place to live. I understand this. It hurts... but I know that it is something that -cannot- be helped at the moment. I don't have a huge issue here. I just cannot fathom the friend aspect. "Just avoiding drama." I don't like that. I don't want to be the reason you are lying to your best friend. That makes me feel so shameful and dirty. I knew my friends would be upset... but they know it is MY life and MY decision. I don't want to be a secret anymore. I wonder if he even knows how much it hurts me.

/sigh.

I apologize for the seemingly random thought train going on... I'm just venting the best way I know how. I think I'm going to go get lost in New Zealand fantasies with Larebear... that is making me smile... and smiling is better than moping, for sure.



Thank you for your help, LJ. You're a real trooper.

November 24th needs to happen sooner... thats all I have to say aboot that. :]


In other news... i ended up at the hospital Tuesday night. They did a brain scan and pumped me up with shit through an IV. Brain scan came out clear... thank god. I was REALLY scared. The reason I went was because the pain in my head had gotten so bad that my speech was nearly unintelligible... everything was blurry... I was hearing things... i hadn't slept in two days for more than an hour... and I could NOT NOT NOT stop crying (the crying was more of a mix between screaming and crying.) It was FUCKED UP.


I fell asleep around 1am in the hospital... and woke up at 5pm that evening.... I didn't go to work... I didn't do anything. I don't even remember much. Blech. Nearly lost my job over it, though! *thumbs up* *sigh*

Well... I have a house full of people so I must venture off... thought I'd let people (mostly Larebear) know what was going on. <3



I'm okay... so it's cool.



<3<3<3<3
Travipoop.